Suggested press release

Welcome to the Oval.

Here is our suggested press release on the blocking of Southernwatch on university computers:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO APPROVED AND COMPLICIT MEDIA OUTLETS

Contact:

Cassie “Fun Bags” Mathes

Recently, Missouri Southern State University took the step of preventing the dissemination of satire from a media presence it does not acknowledge exists.

The university administration believes that this entity that it hasn’t seen/read/known about is causing disruptions to the work and educational environment at Southern. Repeated fits of laughter at its non-existent, spot-on analysis and observations of the university’s self destruction/self pleasuring have diminished our ability to do more with less while paying less and less.

All efforts to laugh at our situation will be greeted with banishment to The Land of Gilbert and result in Al Stadler conducting a forensic analysis of your computer, cell phone and colon.

New policies stipulate that anyone with an opinion that does not fall in line with Brucie, J-Red, and the rest of the dunces will be forced to endure a Lynn Ewing monologue on the third Friday of the month. Additionally, the university has begun benchmarking successful dissent control operations such as the German National Socialist Party, the Spanish Inquisition and Al-Qada in order to better tell its personnel what to think.

“When we want your opinion, we will give it to you,” said newly minted Stepford VP Pat Lipira. “We don’t pay faculty to think. We pay them to pass students through the Pink Floyd sausage grinder and make us money so Bruce can expense his car washes.”

Join the Pride. Or else.

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One Response to Suggested press release

  1. G V Black says:

    Beautiful

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