Introducing the Southerwatch Translation Machine

Editor’s note: In this feature, we will take what they say and translate it into what they mean. We would have Spanish subtitles, but the international mission is on life support. Apparently, at MSSU, it doesn’t take a Spanish Village.

Here is a quote from J-Red Bruggeman about the “new” head soccer coach.

A bit of background:

The new head soccer coach is a former assistant soccer coach who applied for the current head soccer coach job and was shown the door. Then the “old” head soccer coach hired instead reported to campus, looked around and said, “Holy fuck. See ya.” Which is the outsider’s equivalent of “I have rediscovered my love for the classroom.” [ref to: Oakes, Messick, Kleindl, Agee, et. al.]

So then, LL Cool J-Red was up a creek named for the product of defecation without a paddle. So he called the chick he pushed aside. She is an alumna, so she is willing to play ball. Follow us so far? Here is the quote from the press release [issued well after we announced it here]:

“Southern is very fortunate to have Coach Woolard step into this critical coaching role,” Bruggeman said. “Her loyalty, dedication, and passion for Missouri Southern is second to none. We are excited to watch her lead our soccer program to new heights!”

Southernwatch Translation Machine translation:

“Southern is very fortunate to have someone willing to eat our shit sandwich after we metaphorically fisted her during the interview process,” LL Cool J-Red said. “Her loyalty, dedication and passion for Missouri Southern was something we could exploit to get her in here just as the athletes report and hide the fact that we are a fucking joke. We are excited that she is willing to work for shit wages for a bunch of assclowns and I am personally grateful that she loaned me her Quicken software.”

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